how i saved myself from drowning

...and how i saved myself from drowning
you'll never know...

slowly, repeatedly raising my head above the water,
i let out a wild laugh or a terrified scream,
take it as you will.

they thought i was a ghost, unseen, uncalled for-
but ghosts don't tell the truth and open your scars now,
do they?
you wanted me gone, wanted to silence me for good
but somehow, in the middle of the night
i came back, burning down the door
with one touch of my hand.
they took me to see the water, praying the wet abyss would
kill my words and take them under,
really down under.

slowly, repeatedly raising my head above the water,
i let out a wild laugh or a terrified scream,
take it as you will.

...and how i saved myself from drowning
you'll never know...

what do i want?

i want to hurt you
i want to hurt you so bad,
and the words will bleed out
like never ending excuses.

i want to kill you,
breathe your life away,
steal the dreams
and make a new dream,
for me...

i want to save you,
half dead impression on the sidewalk,
and i, the archangel,
your hope, your life...

...no...

i will leave you here,
lose your scent
and wash away your prints;
but this obsession i have-
won't leave me alone...

...I'll think about it...-

hardened

do you remember me?
i'm the clay you molded years ago,
i'm the wings that took you far away,
i'm the dream that helped you escape,
i'm the conscience that brought you back-
i am.

can you hear me?
i'm the voice you never had,
i'm the words you couldn't say,
i'm the silence you never rejoiced,
i'm the picture you'll never escape-
i am.

do you feel me?
i'm the future you'll never see,
i'm the sweet taste of revenge you miss,
i'm the forgiveness you'll never be,
i'm the one to take you down-
i am!

dream of smoke

A song, a memory...
I'm trying hard to find myself.
Trapped in a dream of shapeless endings-

smoke and fire down below,
smoke and sleep.

An instant of awareness,
a lifetime of ignorance,
in my dream-

smoke and flames in my bed,
smoke and sleep.

Eyes piercing through to me,
crawling under my skin
they burn, they heal-

smoke and ashes in my head,
smoke and sleep...

don't wake me up!

kill me, teach me

"so" i say, staring at the mirror,
"is this what i tried to be?
can it be that easy for my mask to disappear,
and the world i tried to fool
to see the real me?"
scared, angry and almost confused
i hid underneath the words i carefully penned
and hope you didn't see.
now i'm speaking from what others taught me,
afraid to ever think again.
if i can't be me,
if i can't even pretend,
how can you judge,
how can you say what is real?
taking my wisdom from punches i've thrown,
learning to go on from the dust i've bitten,
i pick myself up and ask for more.
break me, kill me, teach me!

war

it's a battle i can't win,
the horror of it all will eat me alive.
i will die with the knife in my hand,
as long as it has your blood on it.
the paper monsters i've been fighting
these last few months
have left paper cuts
so deep,
so many,
so real.
i hate the wait,
i can't bear to start again, it's crazy,
i'm older,
i'm too young.
deep inside, the concrete walls of my judgment
are falling,
one by one.
i'm back to war,
against paper monsters
and you.

who i am

tired,
on the verge of trading places
i reconsider painting faces.
lost,
in the middle of a nameless crisis
i submit my protests in the book of lies.
and i go back
so i can be again,
free from prejudice
and hoping to get a new name:
i am Speak,
because i say these words,
i am Fight,
from winning all your wars.
i am who i want to be,
not because i can-
it's what you made of me.

portrait of the artist as a lunatic

i criticize myself, and go back to the beginning
once every two minutes.
when i'm old enough and
my wings are ready
i'll jump off the building i designed.
stardust on my nails,
fire and brimstone in my veins,
i change my mind
once every two world wars.
call me a genius
or call me at midnight,
i'll save your soul and hold grudges for you.
tired of predicting the end of the world
i take a long pause
and smoke another cigarette,
once every two light years.

don't

don't worry, i'm slow to react
but i'll come around
and hit you back.
don't miss me, i'm quick to forget
still, somehow i'll get back
my mind.
don't fear me, i'm harmless
but i'll knock
the shit out of you.
don't find me, i'm not here right now,
just wait,
you'll hear me scream your name
when i feel like it.

an aggravation of my own confusion

the voices in my head are all vacant,
i only hear a mumble,
a whispering crowd confusing me.
i can't tell what's real anymore,
so i wait,
i stop.
running around in circles,
praying for a revelation,
i get dizzy,
i fall.
the voices in my head are on strike,
i can now hear everything out there,
but inside my head i'm lost,
so i wait,
i stop
.

tips on how to...

"the best things", i say,
"are affordable and you get them at
half price,
when you least expect".
this is a conversation i've been having
with myself for years,
but i still
can't find the point.
cruising between duties,
i pick my favorites
and the rest of them i put them
in a sordid category,
the "i'm too young for this" one.
cracking jokes and heads as i
take over the world,
unknowingly and unaware
of my flaws,
i build my walls,
criticism-proof.
i'm too good for you,
still,
i can teach you a few things about
taking advantage of your own
indifference.
just leave a name and number
and i'll get back to you,
when i get my head out of the clouds.

saturday night drunk monologue

"How have you been?"

Yes, I hate my voice too.

With your self-sufficient smile,

narrow minded and slightly drunk,

you pass me by,

slowly enough to see my practiced indifference.

If I could, if I had a way with words,

maybe I would have given you

something to dream about.

But, here I am, hiding behind a bottle of beer

and setting my frustration on fire,

pretending I light a cigarette.

I'm speechless,

you're drunk by now-

we'd make such a nice pair,

but I hate the way you look at me.

This is

not good enough,

I'm not drunk enough.

...

Oh, and I don't like your shirt.

me

me, me ,me

i am me.
and there's nothing you can do about it...
look at me,
as i slow down and hear you talk
about me.
stand up, think out of your box and speak
to me.
i can take everything, i know what you must think
of me.
i know all the words to every song
that you might have written
thinking
of me.
i can give myself up and still
you're not even half
of me.
try harder, and i'll let you fly
with me,
maybe.
blame
me
for what you can't do,
hurt
me
for what they say to you,
you're not me.
we come from the same place,
but
i'm faster and wiser,
catch me.
hold me
down,
i'll give you a head start,
follow me,
observe me,
hate me.
and
when i break the cycle,
miss me.

masks

here we are, face to face
separated by a wall of probabilities.
and i hide,
searching for my mask,
you can't see me like this.
fragments
of what you remember about me
are scattered on the floor.
i'm tired of this pretending,
because deep inside
i don't give a shit.
take your dreams and pictures,
get out,
i'm not in the mood
and i'm pissed.
can't find my "and how are you" mask.

we

the shadows are burning,
run as fast as you can,
we can feel you.

in this forgotten place,
with not even a name or a face,
we wait, we sleep.

your fear brings us closer.
we spare no-one,
we rush, we creep.

just a nightmare away,
here we come,
here we are.
...
there we go,
see us leave,
if you dare.

and there was nothing left...

with every word you say
there comes
the apocalypse.
i don't care much for advice,
so keep your doom
to yourself.
in a crowd, i'll be the one
smiling and avoiding
conversation.
see me to the door
and hope for the worst,
because i'll come back.
it's not a threat,
but a misfortunate fact.

give up

blow me
to pieces, small pieces.
rip my head off.
put me out of your misery.
it's no big deal, i know.
take away your light,
make me crawl in mud and blood.
give me scars, deep scars.
shed blood,
shed my blood.
see if i care...
break my heart,
break it.
open me and tear me up inside,
have me beg
for mercy.
I'm all yours for the taking.
and when that day might come,
although it never will,
i will
write
no
more.

a date

clear up my head,
go away, one last time.
we'll meet again tomorrow,
on the edge of the same building,
contemplating infinity.
a bitter smile, carved on the corner of my lips,
it's a mask i can't dispose.
i'll wash the silence off my face,
get new colours for my nightmares.
you go away now,
leave me alone
in my oversaturated universe,
i'm inventing new names
for my old fears,
just to stay busy.
i left the world behind and bought this
-oh so craved for-
peace of mind.
must abuse it for what it's worth,
wait for me there,
i'll soon be out of breath.

memories

all the filthy things you say to me
when you think no-one is around,
i hear them!
and all the dirt you throw at me when
your life is falling apart,
i feel it!
all the guilty looks on your face,
the pain and anger eating you alive,
i see them!
i can't do anything,
i hide in a corner,
i close my eyes,
i run away,
i'm too young...

never

i speak my words of silence
to defy you.
speak...speak...speak...
i house flies in my mouth
to inspire you
speak...speak...speak...
i hide worms under my eyelids
to spare you
speak...speak...speak...
i gather dead thoughts inside my head
to abhore you
speak...speak...speak..
.i teach myself to see right through you
and become you
................silence................