how i saved myself from drowning

...and how i saved myself from drowning
you'll never know...

slowly, repeatedly raising my head above the water,
i let out a wild laugh or a terrified scream,
take it as you will.

they thought i was a ghost, unseen, uncalled for-
but ghosts don't tell the truth and open your scars now,
do they?
you wanted me gone, wanted to silence me for good
but somehow, in the middle of the night
i came back, burning down the door
with one touch of my hand.
they took me to see the water, praying the wet abyss would
kill my words and take them under,
really down under.

slowly, repeatedly raising my head above the water,
i let out a wild laugh or a terrified scream,
take it as you will.

...and how i saved myself from drowning
you'll never know...

what do i want?

i want to hurt you
i want to hurt you so bad,
and the words will bleed out
like never ending excuses.

i want to kill you,
breathe your life away,
steal the dreams
and make a new dream,
for me...

i want to save you,
half dead impression on the sidewalk,
and i, the archangel,
your hope, your life...

...no...

i will leave you here,
lose your scent
and wash away your prints;
but this obsession i have-
won't leave me alone...

...I'll think about it...-

hardened

do you remember me?
i'm the clay you molded years ago,
i'm the wings that took you far away,
i'm the dream that helped you escape,
i'm the conscience that brought you back-
i am.

can you hear me?
i'm the voice you never had,
i'm the words you couldn't say,
i'm the silence you never rejoiced,
i'm the picture you'll never escape-
i am.

do you feel me?
i'm the future you'll never see,
i'm the sweet taste of revenge you miss,
i'm the forgiveness you'll never be,
i'm the one to take you down-
i am!

dream of smoke

A song, a memory...
I'm trying hard to find myself.
Trapped in a dream of shapeless endings-

smoke and fire down below,
smoke and sleep.

An instant of awareness,
a lifetime of ignorance,
in my dream-

smoke and flames in my bed,
smoke and sleep.

Eyes piercing through to me,
crawling under my skin
they burn, they heal-

smoke and ashes in my head,
smoke and sleep...

don't wake me up!

kill me, teach me

"so" i say, staring at the mirror,
"is this what i tried to be?
can it be that easy for my mask to disappear,
and the world i tried to fool
to see the real me?"
scared, angry and almost confused
i hid underneath the words i carefully penned
and hope you didn't see.
now i'm speaking from what others taught me,
afraid to ever think again.
if i can't be me,
if i can't even pretend,
how can you judge,
how can you say what is real?
taking my wisdom from punches i've thrown,
learning to go on from the dust i've bitten,
i pick myself up and ask for more.
break me, kill me, teach me!

war

it's a battle i can't win,
the horror of it all will eat me alive.
i will die with the knife in my hand,
as long as it has your blood on it.
the paper monsters i've been fighting
these last few months
have left paper cuts
so deep,
so many,
so real.
i hate the wait,
i can't bear to start again, it's crazy,
i'm older,
i'm too young.
deep inside, the concrete walls of my judgment
are falling,
one by one.
i'm back to war,
against paper monsters
and you.